Slowly letting go

After being rejected again, I think I finally let go of hope. I mean, part of me still wishes he’d come back, and maybe there is still 1% hope, but it’s kinda like wishing I’d win the lottery. I wish I’ll win the jackpot but life goes on even if I don’t. It still hurts though, but I think not as much anymore. I think I’ve started the acceptance period. I was able to look at out Japan photos without crying. I even smiled at some of them. I had a chest pain attack today though, so I’m not quite there yet.

I still cried, but I think I’m crying for different things now. Sure, I still feel sad and I miss him. But I remember crying today because I hated seeing myself like this. It breaks my heart to see what I’ve become because of the breakup. It has really affected how I view myself. I question my worth as a person. I also cried for him but not because I desperately wanted him back but more like because he’s not a big part of my life anymore. I wanted us to become friends (when I’m ready), like actual friends. I’m not sure if he wants that though. He’ll probably indulge me like what he’s been doing now, but are we really going to be friends or is it gonna be mostly one-sided until we eventually drift apart and become strangers?

Just the thought of totally losing him makes me sad. This person used to be a big part of my everyday life. We spent almost every day together. We did a lot of things together. We talked and chatted all the time. The sense of loss goes beyond just losing my significant other but also my best friend. I know I’ll miss him. I wonder, do we really have to cut off each other? Why can’t we be real friends? We didn’t work out as a couple but we’re great as friends. I wonder if he feels the same way.

I struggled to not text him today. I wanted to make sure we’ll always be friends. I wanted to make sure we won’t cut each other off and that we’ll remain an active part of each other’s lives. I resisted. Now isn’t the time. I still feel attached to him. I need to be okay first. I need to totally let go first. Otherwise, I’ll always hold on to him and I won’t be able to heal and move on. He’s already over me. It hurts. So I need to get better and get over him.

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