Time to give up

Well, this is the end of the line for me. I told him the last time we hung out that I wanted to try to get back together. I was rejected. Things got out of hand. I did it because I didn’t want to give up on something that meant a lot to me if I know there is still something I can try to do about it. I was willing–I started–to change for the better. I realized my mistakes and I learned from them. For some reason, he got riled up. I never wanted to force him back. I would accept whatever answer he gave me. I just needed to try. Things got messy. It was like the breakup all over again. I thought that if I committed to change myself for the better, things would work out better the next time around because his reason for breaking up was because we couldn’t get along. We got along well. He said we had a good relationship. We had (and still have) great times together. I guess what he meant was when it comes to conflicts and stuff like that. I was honestly willing to make it work though but he didn’t want to. He thinks we’re incompatible. Maybe he also just fell out of love a long time ago. I’ll never really know.

The thing is, we’re great as friends. The last week has been so much fun just spending time with each other. I read too much into it. I started wanting more. I missed holding him. I wanted him back. I should have just enjoyed what we have for what it is. I feel bad because he got so stressed about it. I feel hurt because he wouldn’t just give me a straight answer. He doesn’t owe me anything, but still. I realized that he hasn’t changed, and I haven’t either. Maybe just a little. I mean, it’s only been a month. I was devastated though because spending time with him felt so good and comfortable. It made me think, “why can’t we be together?” I don’t understand at all but I know that he doesn’t want to.

I genuinely care about my ex. As a person. As a friend. It’s just that the romantic feelings I have for him overlap. It hurts. But I know now where we stand. I won’t try to get back together again anymore. He’s right, we’re fine the way we are right now. I like it. But I just can’t help but miss the old times, holding his hand, spending lazy days at home with him, calling him randomly, etc. It’s hard not to think about these memories and they still sting. I am grateful for still having him in my life but it’s painful that things are different now. I do not have a choice though, because this is what he wants and I want whatever makes him happy.

I feel like I really bonded with him and I had grown attached which is why it’s difficult to let go, and somehow I felt betrayed. I still haven’t forgiven myself. I blame myself for not being good enough for him, for making mistakes that made him decide he doesn’t want to be with me. It has really affected how I view myself but in the end, it’s my responsibility.

Right now, I’m scared. I’m terrified because I know I will miss him a lot. But I need to take a step back because I want to heal. He never gave me the answers I wanted so I have to find closure on my own. The fact that we’re not together now is my answer. It’s just not going to happen. I still cry and feel the pain. I remember going to the aquarium and planetarium in Japan. I remember the late night talks.  I remember the cute texts. I remember the fights where we would get hurt but then make up. I remember kissing in the dark. I remember the shenanigans. I will miss all of those. I don’t know how to block the memories. Every time I think about something we did, it pierces my heart. Japan has really made a huge impact.

He’s still in my life somehow. I know I can still enjoy some of those things with him as friends. I can’t kiss him though. I can’t hold his hand. He won’t put his arm around me. We won’t lie in bed beside each other while talking about random stuff and life. Honestly, I don’t even know if he wants/needs me to be his friend. Maybe he was just indulging me because he feels bad or sorry for me. I’ll never know. But I do know that the times we spent together as friends recently were good. He said he had fun. He looked happy. We were actually talking and laughing. Somehow, I like it too.

I’m not sure if the love will ever go away, but I want to turn it into a different kind of love where it doesn’t hurt me to not be with him anymore. 

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