Torn

I was planning to implement No Contact with my ex in order to move on. I deleted everything. I planned to erase him from my life the moment I walked out his door. I honestly thought I would never hear from him again nor see him ever again. I had no intentions of ever reaching out. It was painful but I thought to myself I just gotta ride the wave out. I thought he hated me and I thought it was better that way. However, he texted me 4 days after the break up and it all went downhill from there. And here I am now, still pining for him. Part of me regrets replying to that text message. But then again, I chose to reply. I wanted to reply. And I did. After that, it was hard to resist the urge to text him. He would respond but he was obviously just trying to be polite.

It’s been a month since the break up and I am still madly in love with him. I’ve seen him 4 times already and he still fascinates me every time. Just looking at him and being around him takes me breath away. It hurts me though. As much as I want to remain close to him, I know that it is preventing me from moving on and healing. I still cry for him. My heart aches for him every day. I always long for his touch and his company. But things are different now. We may be in good terms but he’s no longer mine. I just savour the bread crumbs thrown my way, and most of the time, I seek for the bread crumbs. I am such an idiot.

Part of me wants to just vanish and hopefully the pain would just go away and yet I crave his presence. I have this silly delusion that if I keep lingering, he’ll start to like me again. I keep hoping. It’s getting ridiculous, really. I need someone to save me. My heart and brain won’t be able to last any longer if this goes on. He’s all I ever think about the rest of the day when I’m awake. He even haunts me in my dreams.

Sometimes, I wonder why he even indulges me. I wish he just hated me and blocked me and cut me off his life. But no, he sends me random links and photos and videos on facebook and he always agrees to my hang out with me. He’s always “down” to do stuff that I plan in the future.

The Saturday hang out really messed with my mind though. Now I have this false hope and wishful thinking and endless fantasies. That day was so good it hurts. And now I can’t stop over-analyzing things that don’t even have any significant meaning. I’m just his ex.

I want to stay close to him. I want to make him see that I’m changing for the better and that we can be happy together. I’m hoping that I can open his heart to give our relationship another try. I have learned from my mistakes. I’ll make sure to not make them again. But he already turned me down once. He said he just wanted to be friends. So what am I supposed to do? I’m hoping he’d still change his mind, maybe if he can see that I’ve changed, that we’re getting along, he’ll like me again.

But what if he doesn’t? Am I doomed with unrequited love? Is it time to just erase him? But what if I actually have a chance?

I do not know what to do. I want him back but I am terrified of being rejected again. So then maybe I’d rather just cut all ties and move on but I am scared of losing the love of my life.

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