Hanging out with my ex

I invited him out on Saturday. I was having a rough day at home and my first thought was, “I want to be with him.” If we were still together, my course of action would have been the same. I would drive to see him. The only difference was that we weren’t together anymore so I knew there were limits. Still, I reached out and he agreed to meet me. The other three times we went out were a little bit awkward. Things happened that probably belong in a different post. I think I’m in the friend zone.

So I drove to his place to pick him up. I made sure to prep myself to radiate positive vibes. I want this meeting to be comfortable for both of us. We went out to eat at one of our favourite spots and we walked around the mall. Things were going great. We were talking and laughing and he lend an ear when I told him about my problem at home. I was shocked and happy because he was actually engaging and responsive. Things felt really comfortable and it made me think about our days from the past.

We headed out to play basketball. That was fun too. I finally got my own ball and we had the court to ourselves for quite some time. We kept talking as we played. Eventually, we got tired already. I thought that it’ll be time for us to say goodbye but instead he asked me if I wanted to do something different. We ended up going to Deer Lake for a stroll and a jog. That was was fun as well. We kept on talking the whole time. Eventually, we finished our lap and we headed towards my car. As soon as I got in, I asked him if he wanted to go home already. He ended up inviting me to play more basketball at his place so we headed there. It was a lot of fun. We kept on talking and laughing and joking around. It was just like before. We were getting along well, even more so than the weeks leading up to our break-up. He looked like he was having fun. I haven’t seen him happy in over a month but that day he was laughing.

It made my heart ache. I thought before that he changed a lot but I later realized that we both changed. I did things that hurt him too. It made me realize that I unknowingly took him for granted because I just always thought that he’ll always be around. I thought about some what ifs while we were playing. Like, what if I invited him out to do activities like this before. If I had actually taken more interest in the things he enjoyed and we enjoyed it together. If I had gotten my own ball and we played more as a couple. If I had been more positive and cheerful and independent instead of being needy and insecure and childish.

We ended up talking about Kuroko no Basket because he thinks I’ll enjoy it now that I play ball. And then he just mentioned if I wanted to watch some episodes at his place. I said yes. It was the first time I’ve been back to his house, his room, since the break up. He took off my photos already but he still had one left on the wall. I think he just probably forgot to take it down since he probably don’t see it all the time. I wasn’t sure what to feel. I mean, I took down all our photos too. We watched 3 episodes until it was time for me to leave. He walked me out the door and I thanked him. He said it was fun. I told him I had fun.

We spent like 6 hours together and it was so fun and comfortable. It’s what I’ve always wanted to happen when we were having problems before. I just wanted us to spend more time together where we were actually happy and at ease.

It breaks my heart that he’s over me and just wants us to be friends because I’m still very much in love with him and I’m still hoping for us to get back together.

 

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